Fearless Reason

Fearless reason in an age of frightened absurdity.

Tag: prose

Beloved Community

Beloved community, it is you that I seek. It is you that I have always longed for. It is your absence that has led to every neurotic and compulsive thought I have ever had. We were made for one another, you and I. Apart, we all went mad. But together, we will be well. Held together in arms of unconditional love and mutual care, we will be healed. Beloved community, it is only within you that I am whole.

Upon Finding God

Upon finding god it is hard to misplace him. I have found him in grand old churches with high steeples, steeped in history and traditions. I have found him in new age circles of those seeking a transcendent mystery they dare not name. I have found him in the forest, where the mountain lion hunts the deer, and the oak tree gently sways. I have found him in all these places and more. Upon finding god there is no escaping him.

Love Requires the Community of Lovers

Love requires the community of lovers. Alone it shrivels and dies. Perhaps some rare saints and perfect beings can love in the absence of love. But I am not a perfect being. Alone, my heart grows heavy then numb. In the community of lovelessness, I become loveless.

Love requires the community of lovers to stay alive in my heart. It needs gurus of love, who exemplify vulnerability, giving without expectation of return, and abundance. I can rely neither on god nor my own efforts to learn the lessons of love.

Much has been given to me by grace and self-discipline, but my heart requires the community of lovers. Truly, love cannot be learned from god nor the inward directed gaze alone. It must be received from your fellow beings, then freely given, without expectation of return.

Emergence from Retreat

I spent this past weekend in Asheville at a spiritual retreat with soulmates. These retreats are rare, and only occur once or twice a year; but the light gained always prompts transformation, healing, and opening of my heart. I see in these moments of retreat the more beautiful world my heart knows is possible. I also see within myself the more beautiful version of myself that is possible.

It is a place where people look one another in the eyes, and enter into silent communion for moments, minutes, or for a period outside of the reckoning of time. There are no perfect beings there, but each being is striving earnestly to be a more perfect and loving version of themselves. There is magic in the air when one or more gather in his name.

My heart seems to have grown three sizes over the weekend, and god’s peace and bliss seems more firmly rooted in my being. But already I find a world and life out of alignment with love and peace chipping away at those gifts. A hectic schedule and stressful job demand that my time, energy, and attention be expended on things that do not serve me or others. People have stopped looking me in the eyes and sharing their souls. The suffering world, that has not yet identified the source of its suffering, lashes out at me in pain.

All these things separate me from god, my soul, and my peace. Is it my duty to forsake them, or try to share some of the peace and love I have found, before it is gone? I know the answer is out there, but I doubt my courage to know.

Fear is the Absence of Love

After my awakening my heart opened, and I was raptured with divine bliss. But while the bliss has never left me, my heart almost immediately began its retreat. I awakened to a life built by a self that did not know love, that could not understand it or believe that such a thing existed as a real force in the world. It was an unconscious and loveless life, and my newly awakened heart was horrified by what it found.

I knew that embodied love could not live the life I was living. Love demanded I change everything about my life at once to serve god and my fellow beings. Love asked me to forsake my identity, my profession, my ambitions, and all my preconceptions about the world. Love demanded that I die completely to myself – and I feared death.

So my heart retreated, but did not close. It stayed open just as much as my life could bear. Like a candle in the night it continued to burn, illuminating those things that were loveless and wrong, and calling me to change them. First it illuminated my violent and selfish thoughts. Then it came for my careless and loveless actions. One by one, on and on, it has illuminated my sins and called me towards conversion.

I have changed much over the years, and have shifted many things about how I choose to be in the world. But many loveless circumstances remain that are informed by major life decisions undertaken by my former self. I brush up against those circumstances with love, and try to shift or transform them. But I fall short of rejecting or abandoning them outright.

So I allow them to do violence to my heart, because I fear letting them go. I hold onto an identity that is no longer true, a profession that does not serve me or others, and remain attached to habits, big and small, that separate me from god and others. Truly, fear is the absence of love.

 

Violence to My Heart

I cannot keep doing violence to my heart. I can no longer ride the inertia of the great omnicidal world destroying machine. I am asked each day to deny the god in others and the world, and with each denial my heart grows more heavy and finally numb. Then the greatest sin of all. I no longer feel the suffering of the world. I no longer notice the god in my fellow beings and the creation. I turn my eyes upward and cry out, “God why have you forsaken me!”…and he responds, because you have forsaken me in others and my creation.

I can no longer keep doing violence to my heart. I can no longer forsake my god in others and in his creation. I can no longer passively ride the inertia of the great omnicdal world destroying machine.

Armor of Heart

The ego cannot be conquered by the will alone. You may slay self-seeking and self serving thoughts one at a time, with the blade of your will. But they will continue to arise as long as you wield the blade of reason alone. Victory is won only when armored with a heart that loves others at least as much as the self.

Seek God Within

It is sad to see the spiritual ambition of seekers without a contemplative practice turn to heresy. It is only by our regular pilgrimage to the well of faith that we cultivate discernment, and purify our hearts and minds. Those who forego this sacrament inevitably get lost in the false corridors of the analytical mind, and worship the false gods of their ego. Forsake heresy and seek union with god through inner silence.

Unbend your neck.
Get off your knees.
Sit upright with poise.
Seek god within.

A Western Heretic

I am a western heretic; having lost faith in the religion of my people, that constant technological progress is necessary and universally good.  Our creations reflect our inner nature, and we cannot escape spiritual infancy with technological maturity.

We built a world on the foundation of the ego’s never ending want. A world premised, on the externalization of identity and a rejection of the present moment. We built a world to divert our anxious minds, and give comfort to our decaying flesh. Abandoning inward seeking for outward buying, selling, and coveting.

The seeker became the consumer, and from cradle to grave remained an infant all his days.

We got lost in time; mourning the traumas of the past, and intermittently dreading and hoping for a non-existent future. Abdicating the present moment, which upon inspection, is never lacking.

We built a world that produces misery, in all its varied and sundry forms. Vainly hoping that one form will be better than the last, and will satisfy for a time the ego’s endless craving.

We are ugly inside; filled with envy, greed, fear, and hate. So we built an ugly world, that reflects our inner nature, in amplified and varying forms.

Drink Deeply

I yearn for a world that is not, but should be. I crave good wine, laughter, and dear friends, gathered around neolithic fires, dancing in moonlight. I desire time, a break from duty, a moment’s reprieve from the to dos, must dos, and can dos that fill my days.

I dream of a world with human purpose, intended to meet human needs. I crave a life made up in equal parts of laughter, love, community, learning, and growth. I wish for a life without waste, where every moment serves my happiness or that of others.

I dream sweet dreams, of a life that is neither nasty, brutish, nor short. A life worth living. A life to be drank deeply and savored, until the heart breaks, for once not from anguish, but from being filled to bursting with love and joy. I yearn to drink deeply of this world. I crave a life worth living, and freedom from duties that serve none.