Where am I going? Who is god calling me to be? What is this ancient universal call towards simplicity and surrender? I crave the sweetness of silence, retreat, solitude, and a more primitive and authentic life. I wish to throw myself into the light, and be obliterated by god’s bliss. I wish to exist in that timeless state always. Not merely in stolen moments from the profane, when heart and breath are stilled, and the mind is set free.
If I were more adept, more Tantric, I might achieve continuous union with god in the midst of a busy modern life. Yet this life and mankind’s bobbles and delusions separate me from god. Their distractions pull me under into unconscious states. Their lures seek purchase on my time and attention, seeking to fill all my days with mundane nightmares.
I am in the world. I am of it. Yet my soul seeks desperately to be free. It wishes to retreat to the margins of society and empire. It seeks a primitive life at the mercy of god’s grace. It seeks the immediacy of the real and abhors the artifice of the man made. It swells in my chest and beats at my brow, yearning to be set free.