Lord god, keep my heart open amidst suffering and despair. By your grace, may I never become numb or immune to the suffering of others, nor indifferent to those things over which I have no control. By your grace, may I never succumb to hopelessness, nor be blinded by the darkness that precedes the light. By your grace, may I forgive and love those who serve fear, hatred, and violence, even as I loath their master. Amen.
of the closed
I will not
mourn your fall.
I will not
mourn your decent.
I will not
mourn your fall.
Where am I going? Who is god calling me to be? What is this ancient universal call towards simplicity and surrender? I crave the sweetness of silence, retreat, solitude, and a more primitive and authentic life. I wish to throw myself into the light, and be obliterated by god’s bliss. I wish to exist in that timeless state always. Not merely in stolen moments from the profane, when heart and breath are stilled, and the mind is set free.
If I were more adept, more Tantric, I might achieve continuous union with god in the midst of a busy modern life. Yet this life and mankind’s bobbles and delusions separate me from god. Their distractions pull me under into unconscious states. Their lures seek purchase on my time and attention, seeking to fill all my days with mundane nightmares.
I am in the world. I am of it. Yet my soul seeks desperately to be free. It wishes to retreat to the margins of society and empire. It seeks a primitive life at the mercy of god’s grace. It seeks the immediacy of the real and abhors the artifice of the man made. It swells in my chest and beats at my brow, yearning to be set free.
with ill gotten
was a stranger
power, wealth and fame.
I suppose it all comes down to the simple teaching, “This moment is perfect.” This moment is the culmination of the universe’s unfolding. This moment is exactly what the universe needed at this very moment, in all its beauty, tragedy, delights, and disappointments.
We resist this present moment when it is not what we would prefer. We project our will onto the world and take actions to realize our vision of what should be. When our will for the world is thwarted, we may either accept the outcome as god’s will or resist the present moment because it is not what we prefer. When we live in resistance to what is we feel discomfort, because we are resisting the flow of the universe that has already swept us up.
That is the basic concept and teaching as I understand it. Though on a superficial level, this teaching may be construed as encouraging passivity, it in truth is a teaching about internal liberation from attachment to outcome. The core premise/article of faith is that the universe is flowing inevitably towards its highest good. We seek to serve others and our god, which is love, as we apply our will to the present moment to shift the universal flow and unfolding. Sometimes our will is one with that of the universe and we get our way. Other times, we are out of tune with the universal flow of love and wisdom, and the universe flows in and unexpected way. To prefer our will to what is, would be to prefer a reality that does not serve the highest good. It doesn’t mean we give up, it just means we have an opportunity to learn something more of the ways of love and wisdom, and resume our work with finer attunement and greater understanding.
Much of my practice at the moment revolves around being an empty servant of all. When I am disappointed by the present moment or in resistance to it, I surmise that I am out of attunement with god. But as I become more empty/free of self seeking desires, I find I am more and more merely the instrument of god. Which is all I wish to be. As such, I point my will towards love and my mind towards wisdom, and allow myself to be moved. I feel the vibrations of possibilities, and try to flow into the highest one with the quickest stream; offering that within me which wishes to be born. Trusting that what wants to be born from within me is what is needed, regardless of outcome.
Practically speaking, this means sometimes feeling into the vibration of certain situations and recognizing I can be of no service. It means finding the pressure points, where the flow of my energy may be joined with that of the universe for the highest good. Where is my excitement? Where does the energy flowing through me wish to flow? What is supported, what is not? Where am I in flow, where am I in resistance to what wants to be?
Most merciful god. I am in resistance to what is. I have not loved you with my whole heart. I have not loved others as myself. I have sought my will, and not yours.
Most merciful god. I have been blind to your mercy. I have not seen the perfection of this present moment. I muse that if things were different, we might all be happy…we might all be in love…we might all be at peace…we might all seek god. Yet this moment cannot be other than it is. It is, what had to be.
Most merciful god. We must know despair to understand happiness. We must be consumed by hatred to crave love. We must know the horror of war to prefer peace. We must experience separation to seek wholeness.
Most merciful god. May I see this suffering as grace. May I surrender to your will. If this is the path we must walk to the kingdom of heaven, may we tread quickly. Amen.